Captain's Log: Encounter with Paul Komo
Having received a 419 scam offer from a man claiming to be Paul Komo in my
normal email, I created a Hotmail account and replied to him with an offer of
interest. I wanted to see if he'd pick up on the fact that this was an email
address he hadn't mailed anything to before.
A simple IP check traced him to a small ISP in... Lagos, Nigeria. Fancy that.
For ease of reading, his letters are in green, my
responses are in black, and any editorial comments I
have are in blue italics.
PAGE 4
So, I dash off an email to Barrister (heh heh) Kaka:
Dear Mr. Barrister Kaka,
I am Adm. James Tiberius Kirk (Ret.), Chief Executive Officer and Chief Financial Officer of Utopia Planetia Shipyards.
I have received word from my nephew that you he has retained your services as a lawyer.
Are you working on granting him asylum? Or a student visa?
And what sort of legal documents and documentation do I need to send to you?
Do you have power of Attorney for this boy?
Should I send you a power of attorney form for me?
Or would a quid pro quorum in ex absentia dementias be better?
Yes, that line was just latin gibberish. I want to
see if he calls me on it. And surprise surprise, the header indicates another
Nigerian IP.
I look forward to hearing from you, so I send you this file in order to have your advice.
There's a Klez reference.
Sincerely,
Adm. James T. Kirk (Ret.)
CEO/CFO U.P. Shipyards And Fleet
Meanwhile, Paul responds...
Joy
Uncle I thank you for your mail.
I felt so sad to hear that you loose one of your son who supposed to be me brother by now, may his gentle soul rest in perfect peace AMEN.
So sorry for calling you uncle James, I have correct my mistakes.
Yes I received the account information but I will like you to reconfirm it, as soon as it’s ready for use.
Thank you for giving me the privilege of joining one of the best universities in Maryland.
Yes, perhaps you can try summoning Cthulhu for fun.
I received the attached picture and passport you sent, that is very great I can really see that you are a man of his words.
So uncle, you know about achekee and aloko, that’s wonderful, I really believed that you are a cooker.
Know uncle, don’t worry of cooking for me instead send me money to by from here, I will eat when I come over to Maryland. I don’t trust Africans Ivory coast ever since my father died, I prefer cooking for myself to avoid poisoning me. My people says, any person that is eating with the devil have to use long spoon.
Uncle you don’t understand, this lawyer is doing this for my protection, and you know he didn’t see you face to face that was why he asked for half and the rest should be paid after the transfer has been completed. I can see he is not taking any advantage of me, he knows the people are bad. But I will still like you to reach him.
Please uncle, I will like you to send the money tomorrow, please before they kill me, so that everything will take place before the account will be ok.
AH, yes. Again with the desperate pleas for money. I wonder if I can make him wait some more.
I cannot wait to see you. Thank you, I know that am a strong man, I will be what GOD made me to be as soon as I come over to US.
I was very happy and happy to hear the story about my uncle JIM. Thank you and GOD bless, await to hear from you. Regards, Paul.
NB: Please I don’t have money to access the internet for now.
Oh. He must have used that telepathy to email converter I keep hearing about.
SO, I chuckle at the reply, though I'm a little disappointed that he didn't comment on my Kitchen Stadium idea. Let's see if I can press it.
RE: Joy
Dearest Nephew Paul,
>Uncle I thank you for your mail.
Nephew, I thank you for your reply.
>I felt so sad to hear that you loose one of your son
>who supposed to be me brother by now, may his gentle
>soul rest in perfect peace AMEN.
I am sure that he is at peace. Part of the Genesis Project lives on in him. I have attached a photo of my dear departed son. As you can see, he loved his work.
>So sorry for calling you uncle James, I have correct
>my mistakes.
Please, don't think you've offended me! I just wanted to let you know that I'm not a very formal man, unless
I have to keep certain people in their place.
>Yes I received the account information but I will like
>you to reconfirm it, as soon as it’s ready for use.
I am starting the reactivation sequence right away. It should begin the final
reactivation with the economical money matrix in a time factor of about 78 standard
hours.
Then it will be ready for funds disbursement from the globular dollar cluster, and the money will be ready.
Oh c'mon... it just wouldn't be a Star Trek
character without some gratuitous technobabble...
I have made a deposit of 10,000 USD to start the account. Is that sufficient?
A little more bait for the hook... I can almost see the
holographic dollar signs in his eyes.
>Thank you for giving me the privilege of joining one
>of the best universities in Maryland.
You're quite welcome. In fact, now that I think of it, I think you'll fit in PERFECTLY at Miskatonic University! Perhaps you'd like to major in Hyperborean studies.
The website is here:
http://www.miskatonic.net
The courses they offer are here:
http://www.miskatonic.net/mustats.htm
The application is here:
http://www.miskatonic.net/application.html
Please let me know what coursework you wish to pursue right away, so I can pay that for you.
I was surprised as anyone to see that, yes, some
dedicated Lovecraft fans had set up a website to look just as is Miskatonic was
offering courses.
>I received the attached picture and passport you sent,
>that is very great I can really see that you are a man
>of his words.
Why thank you, nephew.
I see that you also know a trustworthy person, and that makes my heart glad! Some people have doubted me in my long tenure with the Fleet, but I know that sometimes you just have to trust your instincts, not some rulebook on First Contact and protocols, and...
...I'm sorry. I got a tad carried away here.
Anyhow, I'm glad you enjoyed the pictures and I hope it makes it easier to see a face behind these words.
>So uncle, you know about achekee and aloko, that’s
>wonderful, I really believed that you are a cooker.
Well, thank you! Of course, it is not hard for such an intelligent young man such as yourself to be able to see what a truly wise chef I
can be.
I was wondering... what did you think of my Kitchen Stadium idea? Do you think it could work?
Buttering him up, pressing him for answers to
nonsense topics...
And I really need ideas for the titles I could give the chefs in Kitchen Stadium.
I need something that sounds strong, like the word steel. But I also need to convey that they are chefs, like cook.
Is there any word in your native language that could convey this idea? Then perhaps I could use that, in honor of finding my new nephew!
In fact, I was wondering if you knew much about cooking, because I will need to select judges to taste these dishes my Kitchen Stadium Cookers will create.
>Know uncle, don’t worry of cooking for me instead send
>me money to by from here, I will eat when I come over
>to Maryland.
Well, yes, but what will you eat until then?
I wanted to send you money, but also food for you as well while you are waiting for the money to clear.
>I don’t trust Africans Ivory coast ever
>since my father died, I prefer cooking for myself to
>avoid poisoning me. My people says, any person that is
>eating with the devil have to use long spoon.
I feel the same way about the Klingonese. I've never trusted Klingons....and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy.
More geeky Stark Trek II references, including a direct
quote.
>Uncle you don’t understand, this lawyer is doing this
>for my protection, and you know he didn’t see you face
>to face that was why he asked for half and the rest
>should be paid after the transfer has been completed.
>I can see he is not taking any advantage of me, he
>knows the people are bad. But I will still like you to
>reach him.
Now I understand, that his requirement of the fee is out of concern for you instead of him trying to take advantage of you. I am glad he knows the people are bad.
And I have sent him an introductory email; I have yet to hear from him.
That doesn't make me very happy. I'm a busy man. I may be a retired Admiral, but I still expects orders to be followed!
>Please uncle, I will like you to send the money
>tomorrow, please before they kill me, so that
>everything will take place before the account will be
>ok. I can wait to see you.
Unfortunately, Tuesday would be the soonest I could do anything. Sunday, financial
instructions are closed, and Monday is a national holiday in the US. It is Memorial Day, where we honor the memories of the soldiers that have fallen defending our great country.
>Thank you, I know that am a strong man, I will be what
>GOD made me to be as soon as I come over to US.
Yes, I can see you standing tall at Miskatonic University, a graduate!
Along with the millions I'm going to get from you.
NOT!
>I was very happy and happy to hear the story about my
>uncle JIM.
Please, you'll make me blush.
>Thank you and GOD bless, await to hear from you.
Live long and prosper,
Adm. "Uncle Jim" James T. Kirk (Ret.)
I wait a day, and no word from his "lawyer" so I try to get the ball rolling...