Captain's Log: Encounter with Paul Komo
Having received a 419 scam offer from a man claiming to be Paul Komo in my
normal email, I created a Hotmail account and replied to him with an offer of
interest. I wanted to see if he'd pick up on the fact that this was an email
address he hadn't mailed anything to before.
A simple IP check traced him to a small ISP in... Lagos, Nigeria. Fancy that.
For ease of reading, his letters are in green, my
responses are in black, and any editorial comments I
have are in blue italics.
PAGE 9
IAnd the next day, I find a missive from bout Paul and his secret lawyer identity:
$2,800 NOT $28,000!
MR. JAMES, I THINK YOU ARE PLAYING WITH ME, THE TWENTY EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IS FOR WHAT?? I ONLY TOLD YOU $2,800 TWO THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED NOT TWENTY EIGHT THOUSAND.
PLEASE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE PLAYING WITH ME, MORE ESPECIALY THOES YOUNG ONES BUT YOU ARE NOT THAT TYPE.
MR. JAMES IF YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, YOU BETTER CALL THE CHEQUE BACK BEFORE YOU REGRET PUTTING YOUR MONEY THAT WAY. YES, I KNOW THAT THE WESTERN UNION DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN $5000.00 AT ONCES. CALL BACK THE CHEQUE
AND GO TO THE WESTERN UNION AND SEND $2,800.00 ONLY AND IF YOU DID NOT DO IT TODAY, I THINK I WILL WITHDRAW MYSELF FROM THIS TRANSACTION.
MR.JAMES, WHEN DID I DISCUSS THIS MONEY WITH YOU OR YOU WANT TO TRY ME??
PLEASE CALL YOUR CHEQUE BACK BEFORE AFRICAN THILVES USE YOU TO LEAN HOW TO WITHDRAW ANOTHER PERSON CHEQUE.
I MEAN WHAT I SAID, IF YOU CANNOT BR ABLE TO SEND THIS
MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION TODAY, I SWEAR, I WILL REMOVE MY HAND FROM THIS
BUSINESS. LIKE I SAID, THAT I HAVE MANY CLIENTS TO ATTEND TO NEXT WEEK. WATING
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
BARRISTER KAKA.
Wow. Mr. Kaka certainly sounds upset. I wonder if it was something I said? IN fact, he sent another letter, minutes after the above in which he tries to play on my guilt AND dress me down verbally.
PAUL IS CRYING
MR. JAMES, WHY DID YOU ACT THIS WAY? AT LEAST YOU COULD HAVE INFORM ME BEFORE SENDING THIS CASHIERS CHEQUE, OR LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO TRY ME? AM A CHRISTAIN KNOW MATTER LAWYERS DON’T HAVE GOOD RECORDS, BUT AS FOR ME I HAVE MY WITH MY GOD.
PLEASE THIS IS MY SEND MAIL, I AM WRITING THIS BECAUSE OF PAUL WHO IS IN MY OFFICE CRYING, I BEG YOU DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THIS BOY.
Ah, yes, it's not for HIM, it's for dear Paul. And I have a tribble I'd like to sell you.
I ONLY ASKED FOR $2,800 NOT THE AMOUNT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, PLEASE CALL THE MONEY BACK AND SEND $2,800 TO CLETUS EKENE, I KNOW THE REASON WHY AM SAYING THIS, BECAUSE I WANT THIS MONEY TO BE PAID TODAY, OTHERWISE.
Yes, because as everyone knows, plenty of legitimate lawyers will not only insist on Western Union transfers, but will actively turn down money from a legitimate banking source.
DO THIS QUIKLY AND SEND ME THE CONTROL NUMBER, I KNEW EALIER BEFORE THAT WESTERN UNION WILL NOT ALLOW MORETHAN $5,000 AND IF I WHERE ASKING FOR $28,000.0, I WOULD HAVE GIVE YOU MY ACCOUNT TO SEND IT NOT CASHIERS CHEQUE, I THINK YOU ARE LEANING AFRICANS.
AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE KINDLY CALL THE MONEY BACK.
HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.
KAKA.
Wow, the barrister was so upset, he didn't even use
a title or anything this time.
Now, at this time, I was worried that Paul/Kaka was getting very upset (I got a
similar letter from Paul stressing that the lawyer might walk away;
unfortunately Hotmail ate it).
So, I thought: What would Kirk do? Would he take these character assassinations?
Would he allow himself to be questioned in such a rude manner? NO! So, I
summoned up all the righteous anger I could muster, and I fired right back!
>MR. JAMES,
>
>I THINK YOU ARE PLAYING WITH ME, THE TWENTY EIGHT >THOUSAND DOLLARS YOU ARE TALKING >ABOUT IS FOR
>WHAT?? I ONLY TOLD YOU $2,800 TWO THOUSAND EIGHT >HUNDRED NOT TWENTY >EIGHT THOUSAND.
>
>PLEASE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE PLAYING WITH ME, MORE >ESPECIALY THOES YOUNG ONES BUT YOU >ARE NOT THAT
>TYPE.
My good Mr. Barrister Morris Kaka Esq! I most certainly not am a young one! I am a highly decorated Fleet Officer with decades of experience! I was out saving the whole of the Federation while you were still in diapers! Just
take a look at my record!
'60 As a first-year Academy student with ensign rank, assigned to the U.S.S. Republic NCC-1371
'64 Upon graduation, promoted to lieutenant and posted to U.S.S. Farragut under Capt. Garrovick
'66 Promoted to captain, in command of U.S.S. Enterprise for five-year mission
'68 Exonerated in wrongful death charge of Ben Finney, first captain ever to stand trial
'69 Returned from five-year mission; promoted to admiral in charge of fleet operations at Earth
'71 Demanded to relieve Capt. Will Decker, his choice as successor for the refit Enterprise, and dealt with V'Ger crisis before beginning second five-year mission
'77 Accepts appointment to Academy faculty, moves into San Francisco apartment
'86 Gains command of U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-A
'87 Explores center of the galaxy with refit Enterprise hijacked by Sybok
'93 Spearheads initiatives leading to Khitomer Accords and exposes anti-peace conspiracy in
Fleet and Klingon Empire
'99 -- After serving for close to four decades with distinction, retires as Admiral, forms Utopia Planitia Shipyards and Fleet
'01 -- Signs multi-million dollar long term contract with Haliburton, Exxon, EnGulfCo, Warner Brothers, Shady Records, and ToasyFrog Enterprises.
Yes, the above is a reposted cut and paste from
Paramount's official Star Trek site. The only alterations I've made were:
replacing the numbers "23" with an apostrophe, messing with the dates
in the '60s to see if he'd notice the wrong math, and adding the '99 and '01
Entries. I figure if I can't give a shout out to Simon Hawke (EnGulfCo), or my
friends (ToastyFrog), who CAN, huh?
>MR. JAMES IF YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, >YOU BETTER CALL THE CHEQUE BACK >BEFORE YOU REGRET PUTTING YOUR MONEY THAT WAY.
>
>YES, I KNOW THAT THE WESTERN UNION DON'T ALLOW >MORE THAN $5000.00 AT ONCES. CALL >BACK THE CHEQUE
>AND GO TO THE WESTERN UNION AND SEND $2,800.00 >ONLY AND IF YOU DID >NOT DO IT TODAY, I THINK I WILL
>WITHDRAW MYSELF FROM THIS TRANSACTION.
'cop a 'tude with ME? I think not! Perhaps I shuld
subtly hint that he might catch himself in a logic trap if he gets too
forceful...
Well unfortunately, I can't "call it back". You cannot change the laws of physics. You see this isn't like a bank note, first of all. A cashier's check is where I take a certain amount as cash, and then give to an authorized bank or agency. They write out a cashier's check for that amount, and this way a bank account is not needed!
However, I'm sorry if I made a mistake with the amount... when you have so much money, one is bound to make these sort of slip ups, I guess.
That's right, Mister Kaka... I'm so rich, money is
but an afterthought... mwa hah hah hah...
>MR.JAMES, WHEN DID I DISCUSS THIS MONEY WITH YOU >OR YOU WANT TO TRY ME?? PLEASE >CALL YOUR CHEQUE
>BACK BEFORE AFRICAN THILVES USE YOU TO LEAN HOW >TO WITHDRAW >ANOTHER PERSON CHEQUE.
Again, I cannot call back the cashier's check, since it works different from a bank check. However, that's also the beauty of it. The only possible person this is valid for is Cletus! So the only possible way Cletus could not use it was if he were a ghost! And as we know, he's
not! Mr. Cletus, after all, is a real, live, flesh and blood person!
I sent it DHL express courier as well, at great expense. It should be arriving there in the next two days.
>I MEAN WHAT I SAID, IF YOU CANNOT BR ABLE TO SEND >THIS MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION TODAY, I SWEAR,
>I WILL REMOVE MY HAND FROM THIS BUSINESS.
>
>LIKE I SAID, THAT I HAVE MANY CLIENTS TO ATTEND TO >NEXT WEEK.
Classic technique! Act like time is of the essence,
because that creates a sense of urgency... so I'd better at least appear to
relent.
Well, on the one hand, I have never heard of any lawyer ever a) insisting on Western Union,
b) turning down extra money, or c) accusing ME of not being serious.
However, Barrister Morris Kaka Esq, I will do so... not for you, but for Paul, my dear, beloved, cromulent nephew.
So, Sir, I will pray to the great bird for guidance, and then make everything sent by WU tomorrow.
Please, make sure that Cletus also gets his check for 27,000 dollars. Consider it my GIFT TO HIM for looking after young Paul.
I was going to suggest that some of it go towards paying not just for documents, but to you personally, but now I think I shall just send you the possibly half of the money via the Western Union, and then the
other half when you finish up the job.
That is, if you have not decided to wash-wash your hands of all this.
If you have, then good day to you, sir, and I will kindly ask that you do the correct, honorable, noble Christian thing, that you bring honor to your family by transferring me to another lawyer if you shall not do so, for after all, you are accusing me of "leaning africans".
LEANING africans?
Again, sir, my feelings are crushed.
I have not felt this hurt since I saw my son, my OWN flesh and blood, Marcus David, rent asunder by Lt. Kurge, with me POWERLESS to save him.
I have my loyalties to Paul good sir.
Kirk out,
Adm. J.T.K. (ret.)
And a quick not to soother Paul's nerves...
>Uncle Jim, I wonder why you are doing us like this?
>Barrister Kaka called me this morning and telling me
>that you are trying him. He asked me if I told you of
>paying $28,000.00 dollars? And I said know.
>
>He told me that he is know longer happy with this
>transaction, that if you cannot be able to send the
>money today to the name CLETUS EKENE that he will not
>work with us again. Please uncle, I dont want us to
>loose this lawyer. Secondly know body asked of
>$28,000.00 dollars, what for? Which kind of paper are
>we going to get with such amount? He said I should
>advise you to call the check back and send $2,800
>through western union to enable him round up things,
>and that should be today or we look for another
>lawyer.
>
>Uncle why did you do such mistake? Please call the
>money immediately before all this criminals in Africa
>act another thing on it.
Paul, Paul, Paul, my dear sweet Paul!
All I did was misplace the comma when I was writing a note to myself. And then the Western Union man kept asking me questions and being rude and questioning me.
I don't LIKE being questioned; when I was a Captain, when I was an ADMIRAL, and as a CEO, I do not like my actions questioned.
To tell you the truth, he did not seem very reliable.
In fact, he seemed a little shady. I mean, he knows your position, and yet, he will turn down a large check to your gateman because it's not in the format the lawyer wants?
What kind of papers? Why, every single paper you could need, and then expense money for anything else, for one thing.
Do you know about Hollywood? Lawyers there charge several THOUSAND dollars an hour, and it's not even considered strange.
I figured with the way he's acting, I will send him maybe half of what he's asking for, and then half to YOU, because I TRUST you, my dear sweet cromulernt nephew! And I trust Cletus.
Make sure that when the check arrives at the lawyer's office, THAT LAWYER does not try and hide it from CLETUS, but that instead Cletus uses some of the money to feed you fine.
Also, how much extra should I send you?
And really.. how can I make it up to Cletus, that fine upstanding man? Having to deal with that slimy lawyer all the tie.. I want to buy Cletus a few gifts to thank him.
A new uniform? A cell phone?
A Faberge egg?
And my nephew.... what sort of gift would YOU like? Simply ask, and it is done, my boy.
He hadn't mentioned the traditional offers of a
visitor giving gifts, So I figured if I convinced him that I was really sending
him money, this could help tip the greed-o-meter a bit...
By the way, Barrister Esq told me in his email, well, all he sent me was an email with one line "PAUL IS CRYING WITH JOY" so I am glad that the promise of such extra riches to Cletus makes you happy (I'm SURE the lawyer showed you the picture of the check, right?)
Live long and prosper,
Uncle Jim